The River Remembers- February 14, 0278- Dude Got Beheaded!
Ever wonder why we call today Valentine's Day? Probably not. You're probably too stressed because you forgot to buy your wife and/or girlfriend the perfect gift. So then you went and bought something. But then you realized that the card and the butterfinger probably weren't going to cut it. So you're trying to think of something else. But don't stress! Valentine's Day isn't about presents- it's about love! Love is what Valentine the person was all about as well. Val was a priest in Rome. Part of the job of the priest was to marry people. Well Claudius, the roman emperor, hated love. He also hated puppies. But abolishing marriage was the task at hand , so Claud banned all marriages and engagements in Rome. I'm willing to bet this was because some young Philly broke his heart (no it was a girl). Valentine, realizing what a d-bag Claudius was being, continued to marry people. So Claudius cut his head off. Valentine was a martyr for love, which is why we named today after him. So! Since your present idea clearly isn't working out, tell your lady this story, then look deep into her eyes and say, "Babe, Valentine showed us that love is worth dying for. And he's right. It's because of him that I'm able to love you as much as I do." Then close the blinds and lock the door, cause it's a sure thing. You're welcome.
Then play this song.